1. Contacted my ex who I'm still madly in love with and who admitted to not loving me.

2. Having hope that somehow it will work out this time.

I'd say that goes far beyond stupid. It's mentally deficient. It's moronic. It's feeble-minded. But I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I know he doesn't love me. He probably never will, or at least not the way I want him to. Perhaps someday I'll recover from this prolonged (i.e. almost 4-year-long) lapse in judgment, but until then I'm going to have a good time.

 

Pray for me. =/

I just had a horrible thought. Please PLEASE let him have no idea about my website. I would be so horrified if he knew how desperate and pathetic I am (or, rather, had fresh proof of it, since he already knows), even after any reasonable person would be completely recovered and probably dating someone else. Well, not desperate - I haven't emailed him, his friend, or taken up prostitution in a feeble attempt to attain some twisted form of affection. But I am rather pathetic. Oh well. If I could stop loving him this second, in exchange for losing all memory of him, would I?  My answer changes daily. Right now I'd say yes. I have no hope, and we have no future, so there was no point. But yesterday I wouldn't have traded knowing him for the world - he is my ideal in so many ways (although, not all), and to forget him would be losing the small part of me that still has the capacity to feel deep, unconditional love for another person. Over the course of my life, I've learned many things. I know that I am the only person I can trust. I know that my dog is the most loyal friend I will ever have. And now I know that if I want someone to love me, loving them isn't enough, and that the only way to get by in romance is to "play the game" and aim to win. Other people are so depressing sometimes. If only it were socially acceptable to spend my life as a hermit with dogs for best friends.

I look forward to the day when I feel lovable.

That the right thing is always the hardest thing to do? Why does it torture you the longest, even after it's done and can't be taken back? I know life isn't easy, and that if it were I'd get a lot less out of it - conflict is what makes us think and change and grow. But this whole thing seems highly unfair. All I wanted was for him to love me as much as I love him, and to want to be with me. Apparently, that was too much to ask of the Universe. But now I think I may have some serious issues. I broke up with him (not technically correct, but sums it up) back in March, and I STILL cry. If it had been a serious long-term relationship, this would be normal. But, I never even met him. I met him on the internet, and we would chat and talked on the phone a few times, but never met. We were "off and on" for about 3 years, but we never met. It's part of the reason we broke up, actually. Anyway, after months and months, I still cry over a guy I never even met. It seems unhealthy or psychotic somehow, but just because we never met doesn't mean I wasn't madly in love with him. I was. He didn't believe me, though - another reason we broke up. My new mantra is, "I will meet someone else. I will fall in love with someone else." Whenever I feel like breaking down and crying, I say that to myself over and over until it passes. There is good news, however - for once, being unattractive is a good thing. Men don't bother me, or even notice my presence. Under normal circumstances this would be bad, but the infrequent times that a guy flirts with me, I just get upset. I'm immediately reminded of how cuthroat and selfish the dating world is, how you always have to be on your guard, ready to defend your castle, because bandits and marauders are always trying to pillage and plunder everything you have. Cynical, I know, but I'm in college, and college guys are . . . well, we all know. I don't want that. I want what I had, except I want it to be REAL. Damn. Sometimes feeling sorry for yourself is the only thing you can do. I thought about emailing his best friend (my friend, who I haven't been able to speak to since we broke up because it's just to heart-wrenching) to find out if he has a girlfriend yet, but couldn't because it would be incredibly pathetic AND make me miserable if he said yes. If he said no, I'd sit around hoping to hear from him (the ex) because I'd think that if he didn't find anyone in a reasonable amount of time he might get desperate enough to email me. I am ashamed of myself. Hope and heartbreak can lead one to act so foolishly. Luckily, I haven't done anything stupid yet, like beg him to take me back and love me and marry me and let me have his children. I just dream about it (not the children part though, eww). Mantra: I will meet someone else. I will fall in love with someone else. But WHY? Why can't I meet and fall in love with HIM? So ridiculous, the gods are obviously not paying attention to what's goiong on down here because this whole situation is completely out of control. I'm good. I'm a nice person. I'm honest and considerate. Yet this happens to me. Something is obviously very cosmically wrong. This shouldn't happen to me. I shouldn't be miserable like this just because I was in love. I'm worth loving back. So what the hell happened???

Hmm, well, you see how easily I volley from depression to anger and back. Depressed again now. Trying not to be hopeful. I started checking my email looking for his name again. Sigh. Sometimes I comfort myself with the thought that I'll never get over him and then he'll realize how much I loved him. But then i'd never be happy, which is ridiculous. It's a child's thought, like running away to teach your parents a lesson.

Time and patience. WHY? Why doesn't he love me? I'm doing my best to figure out what's wrong with me, but we'll see. Oh well. Goodnight everyone.

Luckily, a couple of days off helped. I've changed my schedule and will be home in time to unwind for a half hour before bed. But, I have to get back in the game - I have a midterm this week, another one next week, and a big paper due the week after. Then, time to start studying for finals. At least now I know what my limits are, and I can plan accordingly for next quarter. Thank the gods one of my classes is a literature class, so I had a good excuse for sitting around reading the last couple of days. =) I got my hair done and it looks cool (although it cost over $100 to get it to look this way!), and I got a spa mani-pedi, which was great. I broke out when school started and it never really went away, but I bought some stuff to keep it under control and it seems to be working. I also went on a huge makeup shopping spree, and all the ladies out there know how much fun that is. =) So, overall, I feel better. I'm going to have more time for me, which is all I needed.

I hope all of you had a wonderful New Year (Halloween)!

Well, we all knew it was coming. On campus 14 hours a day, working weekends, getting home just in time to go straight to bed, and even then not getting enough sleep. So, now we have officially arrived, and are having a nervous breakdown. Luckily, very mild, and should only require a few days of relaxation to fix (plus CHANGING OUR FUCKING SCHEDULE TO ALLOW FOR A LIFE GODDAMNIT!). Yes, everything will be just fine. That's my mantra at the moment. And it will be. Now I know my limits, and I can avoid making myself the slave of others for 14 FUCKING HOURS A DAY WITH NO TIME FOR MYSELF OR MY OWN NEEDS AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Like I said, just fine. I took today off, and I'm taking tomorrow off, and I'm going to try to take Saturday off from work, but we'll see. If only my work ethic allowed me to take days off without feeling horrible about it. I know I need it, and I know I deserve it, but somehow I feel like I'm letting everyone down by being human. Gosh, I hope I'm not becoming a workaholic. Concentrating on school certainly helped me get over my ex, but if it turned me into a workaholic I'm going to be pissed. Anyway, I'm going out tomorrow and I'm staying out all day. Maybe I'll go camping, who knows. I'll get my toes done, I think. Maybe my hair. That should do it. Wish me luck. =)

The fall school quarter is about halfway over. At this point, I'm not even sure of my own existence. I wake up, get ready and eat breakfast, and go to school. 14 hours later, I come home and stumble into bed. Most of that time is spent working with rats and pigeons, and testing human subjects in various studies. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work on weekends, too, lol. Is this life? I think not. So, I have come to the conclusion that I am dreaming, or catatonic in a mental hospital somewhere, creating this "reality" to torture myself. Not that it's so bad - I love working hard, I love being the martyr, and I like having everyone around me impressed by my committment, hard work, and dazzling intellect (my words, not theirs, of course!). But I have no life, no time for the few friends I actually have, and no time for me. At least I don't have to worry about men! I'm still not over the last guy, and the last thing in the world I want is to have to think about dating. My spirituality is all but dead - I have no time to do anything by sleep, and typing this is cutting into even that! But I had to do something. I miss my religion, and I miss nature. I miss being conscious of my surroundings, rather than walking around just barely conscious of them as I think about my various projects. My goal for next quarter is to make more time for myself, and sacrifice less to others. I'm doing plenty to impress grad schools, I don't need to lose my sanity trying to do more than I actually can.

For those of you lucky enough to be able to practice, be thankful. You're keeping in touch with a part of yourself that goes dormant without attention. When that happens, you only feel like half a person. Believe me.

Well, being a strong person who understand what's best for herself and acts accordingly, independent of her feelings is, overall, a nightmare. Several months of crying, looking for the now infamous name every time I checked my email, hoping it was him calling whenever the phone rang, staring at his picture, and, of course, dreaming about him, all left me emotionally destitute. Like some other things, you have to hit bottom before you can make your way back up. I think I'm past the downward spiral, thank the gods. Life is not so meaningless or so hopeless without him, and I can actually look forward to getting over him. For a long time I was jealous of my feelings and memories and held them very dear, constantly aggravating them and bringing them to mind. Why? I asked myself that all the time. It didn't do any good, didn't accomplish anything other than to refresh my own misery. Maybe I like to be miserable. Maybe it's preferable to feeling nothing for anyone. Maybe it's easier to think about a broken heart than loneliness. But even when we were together I still felt lonely. Together but separate.

I'm on the mend. I love him, but I no longer dwell on the unfairness of the situation, of how much I love him without the love being returned, questioning and wanting to know why he didn't love me, if there was anything I'd said or done to prevent it, or if there was anything I could say or do to make it happen. That's all gone. I love him. He doesn't love me. I've been here before, and I recovered. And I always met someone else. I'm not ready to think about that yet for myself, though. Now I know he's part of my past, and not my future. He wasn't meant for me, he wasn't sent to save me. He's just a guy who saw an opportunity and took it, and I'm a girl who thought it was more than it really was. I have fond memories, and they will never fade. I have learned an important lesson - opportunists abound in the world of love and romance. I can avoid them, but I have to do a few things differently, and I intend to.

Well, finals are over again. I just finished a five week summer class in physiological psychology. It's very interesting stuff, although not my area of interest. Are we really just products of our biology, our DNA, the processes going on inside our brains? Emotion occurs as a result of physiological events, but emotion isn't spirit - so how do we define and identify spirit? Perhaps not the emotions themselves, but which emotions occur and when can define our personalities. It's hard t think of the aspect of self known as spirit without identifying it with something we have experienced, such as emotion or thought, but it outside of these things. 

It got me thinking today about the nature of religion and faith, and the variety of ideas that exist. Who's right? Are we all wrong? Is religion something we created to make us feel better? Similarly, is religion simply the result of a genetic predisposition for curiosity and a desire for knowledge? Religion and philosophy are very old subjects and have histories that often intertwine. They emerged as we identified ourselves as separate from other things, and wanted to understand and explain ourselves and the things that are outside ourselves. Some concepts stressed that nothing is outside ourselves. We are everything, nothing is separate from anything else, and we are all interconnected. This is the concept that Wicca and witchcraft have returned to, accepting that nothing happens by chance and that everything that exists, regardless of which plane(s) it resides in, is composed of the same fundamental substance. Although the quality may differ, the concept is the same throughout, and this is what allows us to experience things beyond the normal realm of human existence and sensation.

Well, that was an interesting little rant. =) I've been on a health kick for the last few weeks, exercising daily and being more strict in my vegetarianism and dietary planning. Life is good, and I love the way being healthy makes me feel. I'm starting to accept the circumstances of my recent relationship, which ended earlier this year, and find peace within myself. It's hard, but I know life will go on and eventually I will meet someone new. I also know that my experience has important lessons for me to learn, once I'm ready to, and that if I take the time to understand my faults and bad habits, my future relationships will be healthier and happier. I still wish things weren't the way they are, but it's beginning to occur to me that I might be better off alone and that having my ex in my life did more harm than good. The fact that I can even consider that is a big step. I will always love him, but deep down I know that he will be much better off without me, as well. So all I can do now is let time heal my emotional wounds and hope that he finds happiness with someone else. In the mean time, I'll miss him, but I'm patient. With time my heart will recover, and he will meet someone special, guaranteeing that he'll never be a part of my life ever again. I know some of you out there understand how bittersweet my current emotional situation is. He will be happier and I will be happier - "will" being the operative word. Right now I want to cry and get a hold of him and have him in my life again. But he let me leave. I told him why I was going and he agreed that it was best. He admitted that he never cared about me as much as I did for him. So, I know it would be useless to give in to this weak impulse. So the most I let myself do is a little mini-spell, gathering together all the love and hope and good wishes that I have for him and sending it to him, hoping that it will reach him and give him strength and hope for the future. I think about him every day and pray that he finds true happiness that lasts for the rest of his life. And I wish it for me, too. The road to recovery is a difficult one, but at least I'm on that road - that's a step in the right direction.  I know happiness is just a mended heart away.

Wow, two rants in one journal entry! What are the odds?  I hope everyone out there is doing well, please feel free to post comments or email me if you have any questions about anything, or if you just want to chat.

Last night I lay within my circle of candles, meditating upon the nature of the elements. I ended up performing a ritual to gain insight into the nature of the elements and understand my relationship with them. It felt very powerful, and I knew that the elements would teach me.

Today I had two instances of insight into Earth. The first was on my way to work in the morning. As I drove to the freeway, I noticed all of the little plants that were growing along the sidewalk in a fenced area, beyond which a building was being constructed. The plants had sprung up of their own accord and no one was caring for them, but they were hanging on to life, using the resources that were available to them despite the unfavorable conditions. This reminded me that Earth energy is one of tenacity, succeeding despite the odds, and perseverance. Fire may spark the drive to succeed, but it is only through perseverance that we can do so.

The second insight was as I sat on the lawn with my dog playing fetch with him. I threw the ball and watched him run after it, resting my palms on the grass at my sides. It occurred to me that although I recognize the stability of Earth, it also lends firmness and support. It provides a solid base for us, which we often take for granted, and supports us with this firmness, as well as its bounty.

I also had an insight into Air. Last night, I lit the candle of Air and invited light into the circle, as a property of Air, and gave heat as a property of Fire. However, it seems as though a more correct property of Air is dryness, as it was expressed to me today by reminding me off all the times I have been thankful for the wind as a way to cool myself and dry my brow of the sweat that the heat of the Sun inspired. Therefore, according to this insight, I will designate dryness as a property of Air and light as a property of Fire (making Water wetness and North darkness).

I look forward to more teachings from the elements, and a better relationship with them in the future.

Finals are over! Vacation has started! So why do I wake up at 6:30 every morning? Oh, right, I started a second job (Why did I do that again?).

I've been working hard to expand and complete the website. The Magick section is done, but I still have lots of stuff to add to the Prayers, Spells, and Rituals pages. I'll be adding the information on Tarot (in the Divination section) within the next week. I'll also be writing a few new meditations and rewriting a visualization that I wrote (and then lost), as well as posting Energy Exercise 2 over the weekend. Then I'll start adding more to the Wicca and BoS sections. I really hope you enjoy the site. I've been working hard and trying to post as much useful information as I can. You can always email me with comments and suggestions.

As for my spiritual life, I've been having some great results from the practice and exercises I've been doing. I highly recommend "The Inner Temple of Witchcraft" for anyone who's interested. It's an easy read and the exercises it contains are great. It takes practice, dedication, and sometimes just plain hard work, but integrating magick into your life is a goal everyone can accomplish.